The Motherhood Alliance
Written by: Deb Duggan

I have always said, motherhood is the most difficult job I will ever love. I would never choose to turn back the hands of time to the days when I was single or even married without children. However, I am certainly not too proud to admit the fact that becoming a mother is more challenging than I ever imagined. In fact, I have found myself in “maternal survival mode” many times since the birth of my daughter.

Becoming a first time first-time parent (and, for some, managing the all too common side effects that result from pregnancy and parenthood) is often cause for seeking out different forms of support available to mothers. Mothers need this support, and they need to know where to find it. I created my own support system through research and networking. This article can serve as a guide for mothers looking for reinforcement and confirmation in their ability as a parent. I am not a clinician, and my theories are based solely on individual experience and opinion. Perhaps the best form of advice is the type that comes from experience – from those who have formed a connection to the topic at hand.

Post-Pregnancy Emotions

The emotional results of being pregnant can be unexpected and overwhelming. Most pregnant women (or those trying to conceive) are familiar with the term “Post-Partum Depression”. A related term is “Baby Blues”. Although not the same, the two conditions refer to the emotions experienced by a mother following childbirth. Post-Pardom Depression ruled much of my life following the birth of my daughter. For those suffering emotionally during the first stages of parenthood, I recommend the following forms of assistance aimed at making this period a bit easier to deal with:

• Rely on family and friends for support. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed because of your feelings. Remember that you are a good parent, going over what can be considered a “speed bump” along the road of parenthood.
• Seek professional help. I have found tremendous benefit resulting from the kind of structured, isolated support one can receive from a clinician specializing in post-pregnancy emotions. This form of assistance provides a safe environment where a mother can express whatever is on her mind, with no fear of judgment or consequence.
• Some may not agree, but I found articles and books relating to post-pregnancy issues most helpful while dealing with depression. You will find through reading that you are not alone; the feelings you have are very common. A word of caution should be noted as one should be aware and not over-generalize while becoming educated. Everyone is different, and although you may relate to what you read, your circumstances are more than likely different and your outcome may be as well.
• Talking to people about your experience is a way of lifting the emotional heaviness you may feel. Engage in conversation with other mothers socially (e.g. at a local park or library). You may find that some mothers are very compassionate and are willing to lend a sympathetic ear.

Mothers at Home

Along with the support of my husband, I made the decision to stay at home full time and raise my daughter. It was a personal choice, and, although a controversial topic, I see no harm in the alternative. In fact, mothers who return to the workplace after childbirth have something that I found myself longing for – interaction with other adults and the kind of mental stimulation that I have not experienced since leaving my career. When my daughter and I were reading to start exploring the world together, I found myself searching for ways to accommodate both of our needs. To those who feel the same, I recommend the following:

• Mother’s clubs and organizations exist in many towns throughout the United States. They are generally formed and pursued by caregivers in need of a support system, one where parent and child can both thrive.
• Use the power of networking and build your circle of friends to include other mothers. Since becoming a mother, I have been reunited with friends I have not spoken to in over 10 years. These friends and I now have something so powerful in common. We have more to talk about now than ever. We are parents.
• The Internet is a tool that is capable of bringing together interest groups and filling these groups with people from around the world with similar interests. I have found great social satisfaction in reputable sites that focus on parenting. Chat rooms, message boards and forums are all ways to “meet” other parents and compare notes.
• Hobbies are often useful and stimulating when a parent experiences “down time”. I personally have chosen knitting and website development/editing as my extracurricular activities of choice. They keep my thought process in constant motion and give me something to focus on – even if it only lasts during “nap time”!

The Inherent Challenges

Parenthood brings with it challenges and obstacles that are, in short, unavoidable. “The terrible twos”, “temper tantrums”, “adolescence” – we all know about these examples of signs and stages of development. They all carry their own set of frustrations and trials for the parent involved. No doubt these are the times when parents require support and maybe even guidance. I have found myself turning to the following during such times:

• Friends or relatives who are older and have children older than yours are often great resources for advice and compassion during these times. You may be reassured to hear that “Cousin John” behaved just like your child when he was younger. I personally have found this type of support in neighbors, relatives and acquaintances. Interestingly enough, I now find myself at a point where I am able to talk to mothers with children younger than mine and offer the same form of support to them.
• Talk to your pediatrician or health care provider. A good doctor will spend time with you and talk with you in detail about the stage of development of your child is going through.

Mothers need support. It can come from family, friends, or maybe even a stranger. Mothers across the board have the most important, yet perhaps the most challenging, task at hand on a daily basis. It is no surprise to learn that mothers often find critical benefits in special support systems. If I have helped one mother find a resource suitable to her emotional need, I have done my job. I have helped another Mom.

Deborah Duggan is Co-Owner and Editor of www.parentsresource.org , a website showcasing family-related businesses and services in New Hampshire. She lives at home with her husband and daughter in New Hampshire.